i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
