Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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