I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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