Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
