If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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