I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
