Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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