I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
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