i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
