A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
