Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
