Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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