Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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