id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
