some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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