thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
