After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
