Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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