Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
