I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The air taste purple.
Randomize
