WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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