Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
