My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
