party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
