Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
