I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
