I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
