im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
