when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
