According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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