he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
