i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
