For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We have started to decorate penises.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm bleeding and have questions
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
