after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
