At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
We need a shit load of segways right now
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
