What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
