I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
