I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
