you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
