why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
