My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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