my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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