Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
as a side note pls kill me
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