Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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