oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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