Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
