Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
