Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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