i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
