just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
